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Daily Blog 2020

A personal diary of current events and feelings.

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Blog 1: September 1, 2020

First day of the month. This makes things easier for me to keep track of when these blogs are written. What can I say? 2020 has really been one of the most abhorrent years in the history of my existence. So much chaos and stress in the world. At the very least, I can find comfort in knowing I am not alone in the feeling as I used to be prior to 2020. I can't even make a statement on any of the current events going on right now. All this political nonsense and pandemic was not of my doing. Yet it all affects me in someway. I have been sick for almost an entire month of nonstop coughing, fever, headaches, and the occasional episode of vomiting. It's been absolutely miserable. This virus has been taking the piss out of me and somehow, I am able to do most of my activities just fine while dealing with a terrible weakness inside me. I barely have the energy to get up early as I lose all my sleep thanks to my coughing fits. It's a mystery as to how I even got sick like this.

I have no friends or love ones that I am in contact with. I wear that stupid mask to work every single day for 8+ hours straight, sometimes even more when I am working overtime. At some point, somebody at my work had it and spread it to most of the employees. Myself included. At this point, if you really wanted to avoid getting the virus, you might as well invest in a bio suit. Good luck finding one for a reasonable price. It's no wonder our economy is tanking like crazy. All of the prepping channels I watch all claim this is the end of the U.S. Dollar and the Stock Markets are bound to fail at any moment. Everything so far just feels like the world is coming to the end, mostly in part to people's greed and stupidity. Worst yet, my area had to endure strong winds and flooding from what should have been minor storms, leaving me out of power last month for almost a week. It wasn't the worst storm in history but it sure was a wake up call to get myself to look into alternative energy solutions in case the power goes out again. I have been considering now is the perfect time to get into solar technology. The equipment needed to set up a solar system isn't too expensive and setting it up should not be difficult by any means.

Something that has been troubling me more than usual is my desire for companionship. Right now, people aren't going out to seek friendships or relationships in part of this stupid pandemic. But even before the pandemic, I was always an outcast in society. I have trouble communicating with others. I just can't connect with people like I should. I feel like I can never engage in a conversation without saying something that I can regret later on. Something along the lines of cringe. If it's a topic I am well versed in, I wouldn't mind engaging in such a conversation but even then, I can get exhausted emotionally from partaking in a social situation for too long. Worst yet, is my desire to find love. It's hard enough I can't make friends. Finding a girl is even more challenging. In the past, I used to have a crush on a few girls. I am not sure what caused me to feel attraction towards them. At some point, I had already moved on from thinking about them. I am too old to experience that classical episode of innocent love that most people go through in their youth. So many missed opportunities. Could I even call them opportunities? Did they even feel the same about me? Am I destined to die alone? I just don't know. I won't ever know. Those whom I had desires for are long gone now. It's futile to even try to seek them as most of them have probably found soul-mates and meaning in their lives.

I still don't know what I can even do from here. My whole life feels aimless. I just feel nothing but resentment for the world and society around me. The only thing I can do is isolate myself from them, and fend off all the troubles in my life all on my own. Nobody ever came to help me, even after I have assisted them. I don't understand why people don't realize that I am in terrible need of assistance. I am lagging behind so many others that figured out, I feel like I can never catch up with them. Maybe I was never meant to catch up with them. That would be a hard truth to swallow. I guess on the plus side, I was working out and made some decent progress until I got sick. At the very least, I can work on this blog/site while I am sick. It helps me feel productive, even if no one is reading these posts. At the very least, it will help vent my frustration and fatigue while I try to get better, both physically and emotionally. It certainly beats wasting time playing sub-par vidya games as a hobby. I can't see how anyone can even enjoy those anymore considering how abysmal they all became over the past decade.

I kind of wish I could go back to composing some music again. It's been weeks since I composed anything but my creativity levels are at a low right now. I have been considering making a second album, something along the lines of a romance album. I would have to figure out a theme for that particular album first like I did with my Quarantine Album. That usually involves selecting specific instruments, styles of music, and perhaps even some sort of musical progression from one song to another to tell a story without including any sort of lyrics. I hope that's how I compile these albums. I never liked poetry to begin with, let alone lyrics in music. Most of them just feel forced and they take center stage over the mechanics and audio technicalities of the music itself. Unless you are skilled in abstract lyricism, once somebody figures out your song, there really isn't any other way to interpret it unless you really go out of your way to re-explain certain verses in songs. It's bad enough for me that I have no romantic experiences to even create such an album apart from what ideological concepts I have of it. That's probably going to be the way I approach that album whenever I make myself go through with the creative process of composing it.

Blog 2: September 2, 2020

I hate summer. I really hate summer. The heat is one thing. It's extremely hot and unbearable. The humidity doesn't help either. You can't even go out and feel like you are getting any fresh air. Although to be fair, what good is it to even go outside when you are seriously ill?

Right now, I feel like discussing my love for some of my favorite laptops of all time. Period. My Thinkpad X220 and my X250. Both are some of the most finest non-gaming devices I have ever owned. From their keyboard interface to their price to performance (especially for used laptops) and their maintenance ease. Although the X250 keyboard is fine for what it is, I still love my X220 keyboard over it and wished I could get a modern laptop with the keyboard of the X220. I don't see myself moving on from these laptops anytime soon. Same case with my smartphone which I had since 2016. My Galaxy S7. Initially, I had negative remarks for the phone's build and form. It was significantly larger and un wieldly compared to my previous phone and the glass like finish made it a terrific finger print magnet no matter how many times you cleaned it. I also hated how the battery was internal and couldn't be replaced as easily as my previous phone and the micro-SD slot had to be accessed with a tool just to replace it. Over the years though, my phone has survived many drops without any cracks in the screen, it lived another day after being accidentally dropped during a particularly bad flood in my area; almost up to waist height flooding, and has even survived being tossed around in a rather violent car accident that resulted in my car's wreckage and my ability to use my left arm as efficiently as my right arm. I have an external battery case as a means of keeping it on life support as the internal battery is starting to lose it's capacity. It might be time to replace it sooner rather than later. Problem is, I don't know what else I could upgrade it to. It also doesn't help that I have since then, developed a strong anti-smartphone attitude over the years, especially in regards to government and corporate spyware in smart phones. I would prefer to have no smart phone if I could, but our modern world has put a strong emphasis on needing one for work and school. You just have to accept the fact that your phone is always being monitored and treat it accordingly.

A couple of weeks ago, before I became seriously ill, I had configured a Raspberry Pi Model 3B for a CRT 13 inch monitor in my room. I had it configured with retropi, some software used to emulate old vidya consoles using retroarch. You had to go in and edit the configuration file to get the proper resolution for the CRT monitor but after some tweaking and using some odd converters here are there (the CRT monitor only accepts S-Video input instead of composite video or anything else better than the two. Still, the display quality is decent for what it is. I would had preferred to use SCART or VGA if I could. Still no progress on my second album although I am thinning it over.

Blog 3: September 3, 2020

There's no recovering from this illness. It's probably been a month since I first started showing symptoms. I don't see myself getting better any soon. I tried creating some new tracks last night but I had no motivation what so ever. Most of the songs I made just didn't come out as I'd like. One of them seemed okay though. Enough to upload it as a single. Still nothing worthy of being used in an album. I might give LMMS a try since it's free and runs on Linux. I kind of miss using Garage Band on my old Ipad but composing stuff on the 3DS hand-console is easy and intuitive enough. I could also compose on Mixcraft in wangblows but I barely have time to be on my desktop.

Blog 4: September 4, 2020

I feel a little better I think. Not coughing as much as I was for weeks. Maybe a sign of good things to come? I was well enough to produce 2 demo tracks. I wanted to try experimenting with more ethnic sounds in my music. They sound alright I suppose. I even got to use my Aerophone in one of the tracks to replicate a flute. It sounds rather natural tbh. Now I just need to implement those ideas into a new album of some sort. I am still lost when it comes to figuring out a direction for that new album. For starters, I think I am seeing the limitations of composing on the 3DS Korg application. It's been a solid music software for making tracks, but I want to move into something more serious now. Mixcraft has been a useful tool for a long while but I am not all too familiar with creating tracks from scratch with that software. I attempted that in Exotic Demo 2 for starters. LMMS works okay but its UI and interface is kind of all over the place. Not as user friendly imo. Still want to stick with those two for now.

Blog 5: September 5, 2020

I haven't coughed all day yesterday. I can now assume I have recovered completely now. If only the weather was better. I need to do some repairs on a laptop that has been short circuited. Just needs a motherboard replacement but that won't come in until sooner. I am gonna take a break from music composition today. I don't have any ideas at the moment and want to focus on some other hobbies for the time being such as working on this site. I am still kind of a noob when it comes to HTML website design, but I think these webpages so far seem alright. Maybe that's more or less due to the fact I like these simple websites over modern web design criteria. I might have to add additional pages to my dreams and daily blog to prevent them from having too much information on one page and thus, hindering load performance. I would have to figure out a way to make transitions from old post to new posts on separate pages. I would prefer to keep all new posts on page 1 and older posts on later pages. That's how I think it should be done.

Blog 6: September 6, 2020

After waiting a day to see if I was fully recovered, I was able to do my daily jog today after a few weeks of not being able to do it. One interesting thing happened this morning while I was sleeping. I had this rather amazing dream that I described in my dream blog. I did feel sad when it ended though but it was certainly my nicest dream I had in a while.

Sometimes I wonder if those dreams are insights into alternative timelines. To me, it seems like they are absolutely real and did happen, just not in this universe or timeline. In that case, not only are my social life better in these alternative worlds but also the world in general. Even in those bad dreams, I was always in a better place than I am currently. I still live with my mom, I don't have any friends, and the world as we know it is falling apart due to political and social degeneration. It was never this bad 10-20 years ago. Everything is going to get worse from here. I am not optimistic for anything, let alone my own future. What am I going to do when I reach my peak? I haven't achieved anything worthy over the past couple of years after high school. I got my High School Degree and nothing else. No skills, no talents, and worst of all no connections.

I can't stand online conversations to be honest. Nobody wants to have in-depth discussions at all. I have my interest, I assume other people have them too, and yet I am the only able to expand on ideas. Maybe /x/ was right on the whole empty internet theory. Or maybe people are just that stupid to think beyond memes and pop culture references. I feel like only a few anons on the boards are capable of such discussion. Everywhere else on the web is just parroting whatever is being spread. It's the main reason why we have sites like Neocities. It's the only way we can preserve personality on the web. Everywhere else is just one big boring slate with bots everywhere posting the same damn memes, opinions, and discussions. It all feels so artificial now. Not just the internet either. I hate the idea of calling it quits now, especially since the whole world is going to shit anyways so I might as well enjoy the ride. Even if society were to self destruct, something better might come out of the ashes. If I survive all the chaos, then perhaps I would have stories to tell for future generations. That's why I keep doing what I do.

Blog 7: September 7, 2020

Quiet day today, at least so far. I am brainstorming a project. I wanted to make a cyberdeck with a spare laptop motherboard I have laying around. I am debating on using either a suitcase to stuff the parts into or some sort of other form factor. At the very least, I want it to look cool and futuristic (even if it's less piratical than a laptop. I had also worked on updating the site layout a bit. To make it somewhat consistent with each page. It's not perfect though, and needs a lot of work. I still have no idea what to put in the anime blog. I guess it can sort of be like the vidya blog and have it name some notable anime series and films that I like. That's probably what it's going to be. I already have a few articles I can think of for some of the my favorite anime series. Though that will have to come later.

Blog 8, September 8, 2020

I came across some old music files that I made back in 2014 and 2015. Figured I might as well upload them. Most of them aren't all that great. I was barely getting the hang of music production. To a certain extent, I still am. Creating music is very easy but making good music is challenging. That's what I see though. 2014....2015, those were a long way back at this point. It's depressing to think about. Was I in a worse situation then than I am now? I haven't seen people in ages. Like strangers, other girls outside of relatives ever since. What do they even think like? What are their thoughts about the whole situation we are in right now? I wish I could talk to someone.

Blog 9: September 9, 2020

Nothing to comment today. All I can say is the future doesn't look bright no matter how you look at it. It'll probably won't improve unless everything were to reset somehow. Perhaps this is all one big nightmare that will soon be over when you wake up and realize you have been dreaming all this time. Who is to say this reality is real or not. Ever seen the Matrix? What if it's something like that? A simulation. This is getting rather generic now so I"ll stop right there.

Blog 10: September 10, 2020

It's too damn hot. Why is it so hot? When is the 2nd Ice Age because I certainly wouldn't mind that over this heat wave. At least with cold weather, you can just put on more clothes when it's chilly. You can't do anything to mitigate hot weather. It's probably the worst kind of weather besides storms. It's an injustice anyone is even expected to go outside in such conditions. I had a dream last night but I never bothered to even write it down afterwards and now I forgot everything about it. I doubt it was anything noteworthy otherwise I would had wrote it down afterwards so it doesn't feel like a big loss in my opinion. Still tweaking the sites and pages so they look nicer and (sometimes) more consistent with each other. Still a work in progress. I was able to compose something that was reasonably decent last night and uploaded it. I think I have good starting point for my new album. I just have to compose the rest of the songs.

Blog 11: September 11, 2020

lol 9/11. Okay. On to what's been in my mind lately. I never understood the hate that Smooth Jazz gets tbh. Of course it's not going to be as technically complex as the kind of Jazz that many critics like to fawn over. That's not the point of smooth jazz. The whole purpose is to serve as a sort of relaxing background music, or perhaps as mood music. It's not music that's necessarily for analytical purposes. Not all music has to be. This is coming form someone who likes Classical Music. Plus it's also the basis for a lot of vaporwave music. That's all I got to talk about really.

Blog 14: September 15, 2020

LMAO I skipped a day, only because I had no sleep the night before that I couldn't bother with making a post yesterday, not that there was much to talk about. Today, it's a little different. Weather might be cooler I hope. Last winter really sucked hard as it was barely cold. I just want to wear something other than shorts for once. I started putting my second album together. At least four of the songs feel like they are finished. There's another four tracks I want to get done leaving the album with a total of 8 tracks when it's complete. Still thinking of a title for the whole thing. I have also been suffering from a really bad cut on my hand (I was cutting some boxes to throw away and pricked myself by accident. Nothing a bit of bandages and alcohol could deal with but it stings.

Blog 15: September 16, 2020

It's rather exhausting really; not being able to control your own schedule and all. I envy people who are financially and socially independent. These days, it's nearly impossible to get your own place now and move out of a stressful home like my own. Everything is just too expensive these days, and for no good reason. Housing quality is down the gutter, cars are engineered to break down after a couple of years (aka planned obsolescence), and society is always judgmental regardless of who you are. Employers always have wants, not needs. They want the next super intellectual mastermind or the super talented employee when the fact of the reality is that 99% of people aren't like that. Most successful people are either born out of luck to have excellent skills in a particular subject, trained in a skill for the entirely of their lives, or most often, are born into a better social and economic status than the average individual.

Blog 16: December 29, 2020

It's been a while since I posted on here. There really isn't anything I have to talk about from the huge gap of posts but in general, it's rather agreed upon by mostly everyone that 2020 was a shitty year, possibly one of the shittest in our lifetime. It did have some benefits though. It was a good year to reflect on myself, self improve, and rethink my ideologies. The lockdowns haven't really affected me that much as I was never one to go out all the time though it does suck that I wasn't able to go to the stores as I would like. Getting stuff online really fucking sucked big chode all year with the constant delays and shipping errors. It has been a pain in the ass to get stuff I needed when I couldn't go to the stores only to have my shit delayed by weeks when I could had just drove to the store and bought it there under a day.

The internet continues to degrade in quality and the corporations continue to make life miserable for all of us. Even more so than our OWN GOVERNMENT which continues to act weak and bend over to meme scientist and billionaires. Supposedly this shit will continue all throughout next year. There might be a civil conflict that involves physical violence. I don't know it all to be fair but that's what the establishment types want anyways. At least the masks help with keeping allergies out of my lungs and help conceal my identity in public. If only our online privacy was just as respected. Sometimes it almost seems futile to fight back corporations peacefully but there's always little ways to make sure they don't get anything from you. Ad-blockers, noscript, and just not going on their platforms. Regardless, It's safe to assume next year will be even worse than 2020. I don't have any advice other than to keep self-improving, focus on yourself, and maintain your sanity. The last bit is easier if you are already anti-social like I am. Last but not least, invest in crypto while you can. You can thank me later. I scrapped the idea of writing my fictional story for the time being. That creative cloud has been fogging my creativity for months already. I couldn't even finish my second album. That will just have to wait until next year.