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My Anxiety Growing Up

Time: Most of my life Location: Out in public

I like to talk a lot of shit over the internet and I can sometimes come across on imageboards as a hard ass, but in reality I am really cowardly to even speak up for myself, let alone interact with others on a normal basis. I believe ever since I was in middle school, I had this fear of being in public and in the center of attention for many years. It had negatively affect almost every aspect of my life to the point where by simply speaking up, I could have saved myself a heap of trouble in the long run. That's anxiety for you. A curse that nobody (not even your own parents) will believe you are suffering from and you'll always get treated as if you are in the wrong all the time. Till this day, I still suffer from anxiety attacks from my daily routines although it's not as severe as what it used to be back in my youth.

As shocking as it may sound, I did have a pretty normal elementary life back before my anxiety issues. I got along well with my classmates, had some friends I went over to play SNES and N64 with after school and on the weekends. Something about that time in general was very easy going for me. I didn't have too much to worry about, I always had stuff to talk about with the other classmates and life was mostly good for a while. That was up until middle school. I was forced to move to another school zone thanks to our mentally handicap elected officials responsible for designating which neighborhoods go to which school zones. Had I not been separated from the rest of the classmates I have known from my elementary school years, I can guarantee that I wouldn't have made this site to begin with.

I had to start all over, and the kids I was put with (though in Advance Placement courses) were vastly different from the classmates I had known prior. I didn't know anyone but everyone else knew each other. They were mean spirited, looked down upon you for any specific reason, and mocked your interests. I was a prime target for everyone since I didn't have anyone on my side to begin with. Especially during my first year of beginner band. I went from a normal kid that anyone could had got along with to the bottom of the barrel outcast in over one semester. I had no one to hang out with during lunch and recess break. I started avoiding people out of the fear they would torment me further. When my mom found out about my situation, rather than trying to help me, she starts screaming and criticizing me for not having any friends. It's my fault that I was getting bullied for being a loner according to her. I just needed to be more social, despite the fact that I had no opportunities to be social with anyone.

At the very least, the abuse and bullying died down by the time I was in 8th grade but at that point, the damage had already been done. I was permanently an outcast from the student body and apart from being really good at Band, I had no redeeming qualities for anyone to even consider trying to befriend me. Not only did school in general become a more horrifying place to be around but I couldn't even bear being in public in general. This included places like stores, restaurants, arcades, basically anywhere where I think I might run into other classmates in my area. This went on well until my senior year when I basically stop giving a shit about my classmates in general. I was going to college right after and I'd have a chance to start over. If only I knew any better.

College was a tad better socially since I didn't have anyone pick on me. Everyone had their own niche group of friends but I was still friendless just as I was in high school. As far as roommates were concerned, most of them were just acquaintances at best. Most of whom were understanding of my condition but didn't go beyond not disturbing me which is greatly appreciated. I did not get along at all with one particular R.A. but I think you already know that story from last time. While the social aspect of it was not as tormenting as high school or middle school, my anxiety was still present and it prevented me from reaching out to professors and other people when I need their help. Suffice to say, college was a disaster for me.

This leaves me at the lowest point of my entire life, a failure at everything I do, no friends, not fit, no prospect of a future life. I would have been suicidal had I not picked myself up either by pure luck or some last resort drive to make my life something other than a living hell. At this point, it's been many years since I graduated from high school and all those who had tormented me, bullied me, or rejected me had moved on elsewhere or deformed in such a way, it made my weight gain seem insignificant. That was the driving force for me to start self improving bit by bit until I was once again physically back to if not better than I was in high school. Doing cardio and a strict diet not only helped with my self esteem, but it also eased my anxiety to the point where I was finally able to go to the stores and public places without the fear of being in the presence of others my age.

That's not to say my social anxiety had completely disappeared. I still have issues speaking up in social situations and there are times where if I can avoid talking to someone, I'd go out of my way to avoid social situations as much as I can such as going to self checkout stations or eating at home when I don't feel like talking to fast food workers or restaurant waitresses. Even in an online setting, I still have trouble communicating with others. It's the main reason why I don't like multiplayer games in the first place. I still need to do a lot of self improving that in retrospect, not even a therapist would have been able to fix for me (they are all scammers that just throw pills at you anyways so I guess that was a good call on my parent's end for not getting me professional help). On the other hand, it would be nice to at least be treated like a human being by someone else, but that's asking for too much especially in these times when it seems like everyone has anxiety now. At least I am better at managing it than some people barely experiencing it from all the current events.

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