The time I was severely hearbroken.
Out of all of my life experiences, this is probably one of my worst alongside almost dying in an accident, going to Uni, or not making any friends in school. It was an awful life experience I would never forget. One that would set the stage for future romantic desires (or rather the lack there of) and would be the first step into my blackpilled view of the world as I know it.
Just a few weeks ago, I had just graduated from middle school. To summarize briefly, it was shit. I didn’t make any friends like I did in elementary school. I was bullied on some occasions due to my inferior height, being underweight, and Eurasian, which turned me from someone who could have been described as normal into an outsider, disliked by everyone, and alone with no alliances. That’s not the point of this retelling however, but it does set the stage for what state I was in right after I finished middle school.
For some reason, I still had some optimism about the future. Most people say middle school is socially one of the worst experiences in your school life. I’d say they are mostly right. High school was a little bit easier on the social side in my experience. While still very lonely, nobody went out of their way to make my life even more miserable than it already was. But something that happened before I started even attending high school broke me on an emotional level that can be put in the sense of having a big dagger pierced right into my hope and dreams. What kind of hope and dreams? Love.
It all started sometime during the last couple of weeks of middle school. My geometry teacher was giving notices to my class for those interested in partaking in a STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) Summer Camp. This summer camp was kind of like school in a sense where you take classes (primarily in the style of a college lecture). There was also leisure activities like science competitions involving stuff like bottle rockets, robotics, programming, and talent shows. You would even get college credit out of it. Not a bad way to waste your summer to be fair. It wasn’t just restricted to our region either. It was on a state wide basis so you get to meet other students from other schools. You even got to spend the night at the school and sleep in a sleeping bag for a month. I had an interest in robotics so I was interested on the day I heard about it.
Fast forward a few weeks after I graduated from middle school. On the day I arrive at STEM camp, I don’t think too much about it. Mostly everyone is strangers except for one particular school that had a bunch of students all from the same school. I guess for them, it was mandatory that they would attend. I can’t imagine why as not everyone is interested in STEM. This particular school consisted of students from a more wealthy background. Not private school wealthy but better off than most public schools. Most of these students had blackberry phones. Phones that I thought were only associated with older business men types with a lot of money. I just had a simple brick phone for texts and calls with the added bonus of having mp3 playback and custom ringtones. While I was not really paying attention to anyone from this particular school, there was someone that was paying attention to me.
First day of camp was rather uneventful. We spent the entire day going to lectures involving, programming in C, Physics, and Pre-Calculus. It didn’t really seem like anyone would pay attention in these classes, but it was nice to get some exposure to these materials before high school I guess. While waiting for one of these classes to begin, someone hands me a piece of paper with the words “Hello :)” written on it. Baffled at first, I looked for the person who gave this to me. She sat right behind me in this lecture hall. Her skin was light and milky, her eyes brown but dazzling none the less. She had this brown hair that was wavy with cute little bangs on her forehead. I’d go as far as to call her very cute overall. She wore this denim jacket and a white cotton tank top along with some jean pants. She wasn’t fat but she wasn’t too skinny either. She had some round breast and her ass was nice too. Her overall aesthetic was homely but attractive. I wouldn’t call her whorish (yet). Her smile. Oh god what a smile. It almost seemed too good to be true. A girl like her, though not preppy, not nerdy, but kind of conservative in appearance. I never thought a girl like her would want to talk to me. Looking back, if she stayed that way, she was 100% marriage and breeding material.
Of course, I wasn’t madly in love just yet. In fact, my guard was up as I wasn’t expecting this one bit. She also had this friend with her too sitting beside her. I didn’t give a shit about her to even describe her at this point for she’s completely irrelevant to me back then and now. All you need to know is that they are friends from that same rich school that I talked about earlier. I just write back a simple “hi” and give it back to her. She writes her name and all that introductory stuff or whatever. Okay. So she just wants to know me a little. Fine. I write back a little about myself, why I wanted to partake in this STEM summer camp, and some hobbies I like to do: playing computer games, playing my Saxophone, listening to music, and playing basketball. She was more or less a movie watching type of girl, but she also liked music too. I guess there’s one connection. She then asked if I knew anyone in camp. I obviously didn’t as not only did I not have any friends but I was the only one from my school attending. I looked around and didn’t see anyone from my city or school. We would had written to each other more but lecture was about to start.
After that lecture, I tried to make my way out of the lecture hall but those two girls ambushed me and that one particular girl wanted to hang out with me along with her friend. Since we had a few hours of time off before we had another lecture, I had no choice but to hang out with them for the time being. We walk around the school grounds, basically talking about our hobbies and our schools back home. I don’t want to get into the details of it all but basically we were kind of like friends on day one. We would hang out and eat meals together (usually pizza or whatever was being offered at the cafeteria), and play card games like blackjack and Texas Hold Em. She even brought her laptop (a fucking imac of course. The white model from what I remember.) on some days and watch some dvds during our free time hours after lectures. Nice thing about this camp is that we didn’t get homework like normal school so we could do whatever we want as soon as lectures were over. I would had called them the best days of my life had it not been for what was to come up next.
I’d assume she had more feelings for me than I had originally thought. She would always give off these flirtatious hints at me whenever she would talk with me specifically. She’d would smile at me every time she looked at me. She treated me as an equal unlike most people in my life. To say I wasn’t falling for her over those days would be an understatement. It even surprised me at one point when I found out she never had a boyfriend. She was so friendly to me. Even whenever I would talk down about myself, she would straight up tell me that wasn’t true. I was seen as someone of worth in her own words. Why? I wasn’t an uber chad. I had abysmal social skills, I was underweight, thin, and not fit like most guys. I was a dweeb. Nobody like dweebs, I knew that since my days in middle school. But why was she hanging out with someone like me. Her friend wasn’t as interested in me as she was but even she stuck around with us. Occasionally, one of her guy friends would hang out too, but she wasn’t even interested in him either so what gives? Till this day I still don’t know.
I really have strong feelings for her. That’s especially apparent to myself by the end of the third week of the summer camp. Everyday, I look forward to hanging out with her, talking to her, and hoping we would both progress beyond the lines of friendship into something more along the lines of couple. Those past few weeks were the one time in my life were I felt my life would go back to normal and I would be just like everyone else my own age. That was until I saw her hanging out with this other guy right after one of the competition events was being held for our summer club. He was some Mexican guy. Probably from other school since he dressed like shit and had darker skin than most others that attended this camp. I never saw him before during my time in this camp so it was almost as if he came out of the blue. How long has she known this guy? Seems like they barely just met. She was at first talking to him and all of sudden they started hugging and kissing. I was furious. I completely lost myself. Everyone was hanging out in the lecture hall to watch a movie and eat pizza but I was too angry to relax. I felt something I had thought I would had never felt before. I couldn’t control myself and I had to rush to the bathroom just so I can start sobbing and puking. Luckily nobody was in that bathroom at the time. I was there for a long while just slamming my head against the toilet stall, crying and puking. I didn’t even have the will to stand up on my own. I was being emotionally ripped apart from that whole experience. I wanted to die. I wanted someone to just kill me right there and then. After a long while, I had ran out of stamina to even cry anymore. All I can feel now is emptiness and hatred. Hatred for that fucking spic and that girl who I once considered my friend. I wanted nothing to do with her or any of her associates. I fucking had it with everyone. Nobody can give me a break! I will always be untermensch to those normalfags. I never wanted to partake in their shitty social lifestyle anyways. A lifestyle of betrayal, backstabbing, and false assumptions. They are fucking rats all of them!
For the rest of STEM camp, I didn’t hang out with her or her friend anymore. I was back where I started. No friends. Now with an added bonus of no hope. Regardless, I still payed attention to the lectures and participated in the science competitions at the end of each weekday. At the end of it all however, It wasn’t worth the pain I suffered by that third week. I started to change for the worse before I started high school. I lost my sympathy for society. I nearly gave up on my faith in God, becoming a hard line atheist who would shoot down believers online and offline whenever I would encounter them. I started to develop more racist views (if you thought I was racist now, you should had seen me back then). I wanted to look elsewhere for copes but I couldn’t find any. I still had crushes on girls but I couldn't find any possibility that any of them would like me. I became addicted to masturbation at one point. It was the lowest point of my life at that point.
Eventually, after a year or so, I got over it. I normalized. I moved on into more pressing manners like focusing on my band activities like marching band and concert band stuff. I got into the robotics club and started doing stuff with state competitions, usually by myself. My literature teachers noticed some of my stories were quite good and even had some of them published in some newspapers and some student literature catalog thing. I never really understood what those teachers saw in me. I am not a good writer at all. I just have a lot to talk about but I am too shy and pathetic to say it in person. I got moved up a grade level for some of my courses. Though I wasn’t one of the top ten students tier, I did some good for myself academically, but never once had I indulged in social high life again. All of it was for nothing as of 2021, I still had never had a best friend or a girl friend. The way I see it, I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life. At the very least, I found peace within my own hobbies so I still have some will to live on and endure some hardships. But to say I have a very blackpill view on society is itself an understatement. And it goes all the way back to the day I became heartbroken.
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