A Message to My Crush: The Finale
Damn. It’s been a long while since I made one of these. I figured you’ve probably never gone through any of my entries and honestly I wouldn’t even expect that if I had to be real with myself. Even if it’s ultimately just me talking to a void, it’s still nice to get some of this stuff off my chest and assume you might be hearing about how I’ve been doing after all of these years. In any case, I going to make this my last message to you and will get to that reason real soon.
This year started off really harsh for me. I should be more miserable than I am right now. But hey! On the bright side of all this, I’m finally getting myself out of the gutter by going back to school again. I want to study something actually practical this time too. No more theoretical bullshit that my simple little mind can’t understand either. All because the prior year, I learned how much of a pain in the ass it is just to get a car up and running. I hate living in the US. It’s all too expensive to do anything these days. I could go on and on about how much bullshit you have to go through just to make something akin to a decent standard of living while trying to keep some emergency funds when your transportation falls apart or when you get fired for no good reason. I don’t know where you’re living now but even in our home state, things are nowhere near as bad as they are elsewhere. With that said, I’m doing okay with what I have at the moment. Would be nice to finally move out soon but that’ll take time and a lot of money. Money that I need to get through school right now.
I’m still an Involuntary celibate and frankly, I don’t see that changing anytime soon. My classes are entirely all guys. Even my engineering classes from back in the day had at least one or two females though they were from Saudi Arabia and North Africans so they were off limits especially considering I was the only one of my kind there lmao. So yeah, I’m going to have to do everything on my own as usual. Just as I’d always had since middle school. Which leads me to my next point.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Mainly about my situation now and how much I’ve changed since I last saw you. It got me thinking something that I have tried to suppress within my mind but now that I’ve seen the light per say, I had come to the conclusion that you should had never tried to socialize with me to begin with. If you actually did care about me to some extent, you should of at least made an attempt to tell me how you feel about me from the moment you tried talking with me. I don’t even know when you could even say when that moment was: Was it when you choose to work with me for a school project for our English literature class or invited me into that stupid band nerd group for all of those projects we had for that class? Whatever it was, you had all the chances to at least be honest with me. Sure I was dealing with severe social anxiety and trying to start up a conversation is next to impossible for me back then (and sometimes it still is till this day) but you could of at least tried to break the ice with me by asking something about myself. Instead you joked and socialized with the other two band dorks in our group and left me entirely out of the conversation. Why even invite me to the group in the first place if you were never going to socialize with me like you did with the other two guys? Was it so I can do all of the fucking work while you three just piss around and enjoy your high school years while I worked my ass off all through out my life only to fall apart in college? It’s kind of seems fucked up looking back on it and you should be ashamed of yourself for even doing it in the first place. I was perfectly fine working by myself. I didn’t need you or the other band nerd scum in any of those projects and assignments.
If it sounds like I’m pissed off about you, well that’s because I am. You caused me to suffer through some oneitis syndrome or whatever you call it when you reflect on the one person you had attraction to in the past and can’t stop thinking about. From that comes depression, anguish, and regret for something that should had never been in my mind from the last time I saw you going up to where I am now. All of these posts I mentioned about you were a complete waist of time and it’s your fault I’m writing about them. I really want to hate you. But I can’t.
Still, you treated me a little better compared to most people back in high school and you were really cute back then. I can’t say if you retained that attractiveness now. Doesn’t really matter anymore. Here’s the deal. I’m moving on from even thinking about you anymore. You haven’t done anything good in my entire life other than treating me somewhat better than my peers back then. You were never my friend, let alone a lover. So why should I even give you a minute of my time to think and gloat about you. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t care about you anymore. I don’t dream about you and I don’t even look at you in my yearbook anymore. Regrets, other than the ones I have regarding my own education past are completely non-exist ant. If you even loved me to begin with, you might as well forget it now because you should had came forth with that feeling a long time ago. I’m sorry if you do happen to read this and realize what I just told you. On the other hand, if you didn’t read any of this and we were to somehow were to recognize each other in person. I will still be nice and say hi or whatever but anything more is out of the question. I’m done with you and moving on with my life. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy listening to our group conversations in school, or some of the small moments in band where I did have some enjoyment (despite having to be anywhere near you disgusting band nerds) but I enjoy being mentally sane more and not being haunted by regret or uncertainty regarding your feelings towards me (if you even had any). If you were actually following everything I was posting directly towards you, then it was greatly appreciated that you read my messages to you. I still hope you do alright in your life. For now, I got other things to think and rant about. I got music I have to compose, stories to write, studying and homework to get through. Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings to much but I doubt any of this harshness would compare to the psychological torture your treatment of me has done (good intentions aside). I don’t think you’re a bad person or a sadist by any means but you should had known better. Then again, we were just stupid band students back then. Nobody like band nerds. Not even a band nerd like myself. Anyways. Peace and goodbye.
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