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Social Rants

A Message to My Crush

I hope all is going well for you. I am sure you were able to accomplish your goals without too much trouble after you graduated. You probably found it easy to make even more friends wherever you ended up going after high school. You were always very humble with everyone. More so with me as opposed to others you found insulting to humankind itself. Ever since you graduated, I spent my final year in high school with the kind of attitude that made everyday felt like a drag. It was very easy going certainly, but plans for my future were hardly planned up to that point. I couldn't get along with anyone in high school. Some went out of there way to torment me, not really physically but more so mentally. I never liked school or marching band. It always felt like I would give it my all but I was never really paid off for my hard work in the end. We had a lot of slackers in band as I am sure you know. It seemed they probably enjoyed it more than I did, being able to make new friends, go on all those trips to the games, competition, and the field trips that some of us went to. I never bothered.

Up to this point, my life has been really shitty ever since I graduated from High School. It was years of intense loneliness and failure one after another. Eventually, I did find a way to rid myself of the anxiety that had tormented me all those years growing up. I know we weren't even friends to begin with but you certainly did treated me better than most people. I don't know why you even did. Maybe you just felt sorry for me. Perhaps you were just teasing me. I'd probably known the answer if I just asked. I was too afraid of rejection. I was a coward who couldn't face his own fears. In any case, you certainly made my days at school a lot more tolerable. I know I didn't get to talk much back then, my anxiety was really that bad especially around someone I had great admiration for. While I was never a fan of the other band members who also had the same classes that we had, I honestly appreciated you guys letting me join your group for projects and stuff. The teachers would had just thrown me to whomever didn't have an extra partner. That always made me feel like I was a burden to other students, even though I would always end up being the one whom did all the work. The other guys in our group projects would like to pick on me. They'd call me insane, the next national psychopath, the next Hitler in the making, etc , basically they teased me and considered me weird. You didn't. You'd even went as far as to defend me and call me gentle and sweet. I'd never had anyone call me that before. Not even my own parents whom I bickered with all the time. You'd even went out of your way to group specifically with me for projects that only involved two people. You could had picked anyone that wasn't socially awkward but you picked me out of everyone else. That really meant a lot to me back then.

Those times we did school work together, either in the classroom or the library, you knew I wasn't very talkative. Truth is, I had a lot to say but I was too nervous to say anything. I couldn't even look you in the eye whenever I spoke. I always had my head down. Being around you made me nervous. It's because I really admired you. I really don't want to say it but I loved you. Ever since we first interacted back when I was a Freshman. You were in charge of managing uniforms. I'd say you were really good at your job since I'd never had issues with the size of the marching band uniform you fixed for me. You were infamous for going after bandmates who slacked off in putting their uniforms back properly. I never wanted you to get mad at me so I always did my best to make sure I folded my uniform and kept it clean as best as I could. There was this one time where I had my shoes mixed up with another bandmates shoes who had bigger feet than I did and I ended up having to march in one of the competitions with two vastly different sized shoes. As uncomfortable as it was, I was more concerned of having to deal with whatever wrath you had in store for me for getting my shoes mixed up but you went very easy on me. In fact, you accepted it as something that just happened by accident and you helped me out in the end. I really do thank you for that. Even if you did it out of pity. You were very entertaining to listen to in class or whenever we had group projects. Your personality was really lively but at the same time, you were always humble about my social hiccups. Although I didn't show it, I was always relieved to see you again in class and bummed out whenever you were out sick or had an appointment elsewhere.

It's for those reasons that I couldn't stop thinking about you. It's become a major problem ever since. Even after I graduated from high school. You almost made a permanent impression on me that which I cannot get rid of unless I were to somehow find the truth about how you felt about me. My love for you is really rigid. I wish there were more people like you. Even now, it hurts to think about you. There are nights when I just can't sleep because you are always in my mind tormenting me with your kindness and charm. In retrospect, you ruined my ability to move on from it all. Sometimes I think it would have been better if you just ignored me. I might of had a passing crush on you but at least it wouldn't had made me emotionally involved with the way you treated me in reality. I am not sure if I should be angry at you for doing that to me or feel helpless in myself for being unable to tell you how I feel about you. I want to move on and live my life as usual without interruption but I just can't move on from thinking about you. You even invade my dreams sometimes. I just want an answer. How do you feel about me? I don't even care if you see me as human garbage. Any answer would be better than no answer. I could just move on with my life if you just reject me. It would hurt alot if you didn't feel the same way I did for you, but at least I wouldn't be tormented by these God awful delusions for you.

I honestly doubt we'd ever see each other anytime soon. I don't even know if you are alive or not. Maybe you don't even think about me at all. That would be perfectly understandable. You never had an obligation to me. We weren't even friends back then. I'd like to think we were at least acquaintances. In any case, I told you exactly what I thought about you already in this message. I would like to be more than just friends with you. I am not as weak as I used to be back in my high school years. In many ways, I kind of improved after years of self destruction on my mentality and morality. I'll never be the smartest, richest, nor most attractive guy out there, but I'll do everything I could to make myself better for you. Though I self improve for other reasons too. The only thing I really could ask for you is a response. If we ever were to meet again someday, I'd want to walk home with an answer. Otherwise, I'm probably going to move on as best as I can from here on out.

I have other priorities I have to worry about now that I am in the workforce. I got new hobbies and other activities that keep me sane when I have time to myself. I do have means of communication with other people though it's not the same as having friends in real life. I have pretty much accepted the fact that it's very likely I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life. It doesn't really bother me one bit. I have a will to live but only in the sense that our world just keeps getting more absurd and insane by the day. I want to be there to see what comes next. Kind of like a good story. Though on a personal level, I don't really see a good conclusion for myself. Life isn't like an Anime romance. Oh yeah, I am now more into anime now than I was before. Ironic considering back in high school, I always detested those anime fanboy and girl types at our school. I saw them as degenerate and weirdos but in retrospect, I guess I ended up worse off than they were because at least they had friends and some even had lovers. Anime is a cope for me. It's degrading as hell, but that's what happens when you have nothing else to look forward to. I guess I also gave up on video games as a hobby. The medium has been really disappointing lately. It's hard to have enthusiasm for anything in the industry anymore. I still have a passion for music. As much as I hated marching band, I loved playing my instrument regardless. Even at those awful football games where we had to watch some of the worst plays I'd ever seen from our own team. What an embarrassment right? I think that's all I have to spill for you. I guess if you are doing well, keep at it. I don't see much for my future but I'll probably survive I hope.

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