My Narcissist Mother: The Women Who Ruined My Life
There is no person in my life that had ruined my life to such an degree, it is beyond unrepairable. It was not bullies in middle school who made me dread the public school system. It wasn't the trashy Mexican guy who stole my crush from me. It wasn't those annoying band nerds from my time in marching band. It wasn't those selfish school advisors who pushed me to go to college. It wasn't the bitch residential advisor who personally insulted and attacked me while I was dealing with dorm life in university. It wasn't the normalfags who ignored my depression, my struggles, or my social inexperience that ruined my life. My mom, who had raised me to such a degree that it gave me constant anxiety, stress, and demoralization that shaped the very personality and beliefs I have (that some can consider to be toxic in nature) are all the fault of her narcissist ideology in which she could shape her offspring to be whatever the fuck she wanted them to be. If I wasn't doing my best, she'd give me her worst. It was her way and her way only. There was no arguing with this bitch as she would constantly try to demoralize me by guilt tripping, insulting me, degrading me, and disrespecting me to such a degree it may as well created a permanent scare in my own personality and mental state that had prohibited me from being able to strive for goals or desires that I want in my life. This woman for all intensive purposes, is the root of all evil in my life. The very thing that corrupted my world view, not just on women but society as a whole. The worst part of it all is that I still cannot get away.
Were it not for the abysmal state of the economic health of this country and the lack of jobs available, I would have no qualms about ditching her filthy attitude for good. I couldn't care a bit about her well being for she never cared about my own well being. Everything was always assumed to be my fault, no matter what the circumstances is. I could not argue for my innocence nor for my point of view which is objective in everyway. Objectivity doesn't exist for this fucking demon in my life. Everything is driven by what SHE wants and not what is best for me. Even as an adult, I have no control over what I do with my own life. Her judgmental attitude prevents me from potentially going off on my own and becoming an independent person. She was the reason while I fell into NEETdom many years ago. She pushes and pushes without a second thought about alternatives or objectively better solutions. If I try something new in my life, she's immediately judgemental about it. Hence why it's so hard for me to explore new hobbies and interests I may potentially find interest in. It also doesn't help that I am forced into this image that she wants others to view me as if I am supposed to be some wonder wizkid with a rich resume and a beautiful wife/gf when I am not even close to any of those things. She was the one that really pushed me into going into college despite my reservations. Everything is all about status with this bitch. If I am not wearing clothes she deems fashionable (what that is in her stupid outdated fucking mind), she'll call me out on it. Honestly, I wear whatever I feel is practical, looks cool, or is reasonably affordable. As far back as middle school, she forced me into buying all of these awful preppy clothes that mean nothing to me. They were hot and uncomfortable to wear to school and the fucking brand name did nothing to stop others from alienating me and bullying me.
Her whole ideology as a whole is horribly outdated, She still thinks she's living in the 70s and 80s and somehow believes those social tropes are still valid in the modern era. Nobody gives a shit about image. There's no society to conform to as individualism is ideally and morally the right path for anyone. Character matters more than image in my world view but she just can't see that. She has this retarded boomer mindset of the worst kind that just so happens to be the case with most of her generation. These fucking spoiled brats who grew up with better opportunities and more resources than anyone in my generation. Her addiction to television and media is unhealthy and she's a slob in a way that I can never find the crap she tells me to look for her in her messy ass room. I tend to keep my stuff organized and very clean yet somehow I am the one making all the mess in the house. Is this whore retarded? Can't she see or even use that small brain of hers? Maybe if she self reflected for at least one minute instead of blabbering insults, raving, and screaming at me for something she doesn't really know anything about, then maybe just maybe she can calm the fuck down and understand that she isn't a god above me. She's my mom. She's supposed to support my emotions and efforts to strive for good. I am not an accessory to her ego or life. I am not a dog. I am a human being and I would want to be respected as one. Too bad she's even dumber than apes at the zoo (and that's an insult to apes as it is).
Not all mothers are perfect. I understand that now. But even imperfect mothers are capable of some empathy. Abusive mothers do nothing but make life a living hell. It's no wonder my dad left her. It's my life goal to leave her for good someday. I am not going to put up with her abuse for the rest of my life. Even if it means being homeless, for that fate is less emotionally straining than having an evil bitch of a mother yelling and insulting you on a daily basis with nowhere to escape to for some tranquility. Chances are, at some point, I might end up being homeless and will probably have no future from then on out. This is why I have to work hard (despite my mother's overbearing control) to save and earn as much as I can. I have to learn all of these life skills the schools nor my parents were capable of teaching me. The internet is rich with info and little tips and tricks to ensure that assuming all goes well, I can achieve total and absolute freedom. Freedom to do whatever I desire to do, make friends with the people I want to be friends with, freedom to make mistakes and learn from them to improve myself, and freedom to have complete control over my mental state. Getting away from the mental abuse is an improvement just by itself. But as it stands, there is just too much wrong in this world for me to feasibly escape this nightmare lifestyle and survive on my own. To my mom, and all of the abusive moms out there: you don't deserve that high you're getting now from feeling like you have some sort of a power. She destroyed my life, and made it seem like it was my fault when all of my problems were a direct consequences of her horrible parenting and selfishness.
Now some people will claim I am being ungrateful and selfish for saying all this? I have housing a food because of my mom so they will say. Yeah. It's called the bare minimal of parenting. By that logic, a foster home can also provide food and a place to sleep. You can do the bare minimal with pet keeping by providing just food, water, and shelter but that doesn't make a happy or healthy pet either. There's more to parenting than just feeding and housing your offspring. Perhaps I am not the person qualified to even say this at all, for I may never have the opportunity to have my own family, but the way I see it, a parent should support a child's dreams and desires up into adult hood and be heavily involved in supporting and inspiring the child to great things. Family time should be something to look forward to, not something to dread. Your children aren't robots to be programmed. They are intelligent beings with their own consciences and self-awareness. Boomer parents like my mother don't understand that. It's beyond too late for her to even fix her mistakes (which were entirely intentional on her behalf because she is a selfish and self absorbed prick). You're not a good parent if you have to constantly yell and insult your own offspring. It's as simple as that.
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