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Social Rants

A Message to My Crush: Part 2

I am not feeling well. Mentally, I am in a poor mood. I think I tend to get like this around summertime. Maybe it's trauma from some stuff in my past around the same season. I can't really say. I doubt anyone is really doing well these days. In any case, I hope all is well for you still. You haven't been lurking in my dreams lately which I suppose is a good thing but still, I can't stop thinking about the time I've spent with you. Even though that time was limited at best. I am going to assume you already read my first message (implying you are even reading this at all).

The loneliness is torturing me but somehow I am still pulling through. Like I said last time, I am stronger than I was back in high school (somewhat physically but more so mentally). There are things that I wish I knew back in the day that could had made me a better person to interact with but as such, my fortunes are never around when I need them. There was a terrible incident in Colorado early this year, it made me think about you and your safety. The world is more dangerous than it ever has been when we were younger.

I still remember our presentation back in AP English. If I may imply correctly, it was a project on analyzing song lyrics from the era of the 1960s (Vietnam War to be exact). I have to be honest with you and say that lyrics were never really my thing. I was always more interested in the instrumentals of music compositions myself. Our presentation has that John Lennon/Beatles Song: Across the Universe. Was that something you picked because it was influential to you in someway or was it more or less something you had material to work with for the project? I always wondered why you picked that song for our project. Just saying because it's not like I had another song in mind. I may have listened to the Beatles back then too but I wasn't too crazy about their works or anything that falls into the classical rock genre. That kind of stuff was rather popular back then with the band dweebs in our school. Oh no.... I wasn't calling you a dweeb I swear. But if I have to be honest, I was not a fan of the abstract lyrics in that song. Lennon was certainly high off LSD when he wrote that song. I like something with a bit more inspiration structure or purpose. Do I even make any sense. I am terrible at explaining things. I am really sorry.

On another note, what was the deal with that one time you brushed against me while I was waiting outside for one of my classes. You didn't brush me rough as you passed by me while I was waiting so I know for sure you weren't shoved by the crowd heading for their classes. You brushed me gently with your arm while you walked passed me. It seemed like there was no ill intention of you doing that to me. It puzzled me to so many degrees. Why and what for? Why do you do this to me? I am terrible at reading signs. I need direct responses. What were your feelings for me?

I'll never figure that out on my own unfortunately, and in all honestly, that's fine by me. Maybe your laughing at the idea that I may have liked you all this time. Well, not just admire you but also loved you. Love. I never feel comfortable saying that, let alone typing about it. Love is as alien to me as is differential equations are to non-STEM majors. I don't know the routines of love: what a male should do when he's in love, how to respond to signs of love, and might as well forget about the whole maintaining a relationship built on love. I feel like any attempts for achieving love at this age will end in complete embarrassment and disaster. Though that's even more unlikely as most girls don't even find me interesting to begin with. Inceldom is a curse. But it's a curse that I'm not going to let bother me like it has for so many in a similar position as I am. I would love to drop my Incel classification entirely if I could. Nothing is romantic or desirable in inceldom. Only pain and suffering.

Please look after yourself while you can. If you did once love me, don't worry about me anymore. We don't even habituate in the same proximity for that to be relevant. I try not to think about you but due to my troubled social life I just can't help it sometimes. I just have to assume you probably found someone more worthy than I am. That's fine with me. I got unlucky and have to deal with that burden regardless of what I feel. Life is suffering as they say.

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